Forgiveness

I'm not so good at it. I don't think I've ever really forgiven someone until just recently. Time may pass, my emotions become less heated, but I will always have that little feeling of betrayal whenever I'm around someone who has wronged me. But not this time.

It took awhile though. Many months, and many days of awkward silence. But in an instant of true consideration of the situation...when I realized she is as human as I am...I forgave her.

What happened wasn't her intention, nor how hurt I felt, nor how foolish. She had just done what she thought was best, what she thought was right. And I should not be able to blame someone for that, as that's all I try to do as well. She had no schemes, she had no plots. She was just stumbling along, like me, trying to figure out what works.

A huge weight has been lifted from my heart. All the resentment I had held towards her for putting me through such an ordeal vanished. It is much more comfortable to be at peace with a situation than I had realized. I am still in awe of this feeling, it would seem I have forgotten what it was like to relate to a fellow human on such a basic level.

That was a good day, and I hope that now things will be easier...that now we can stop avoiding each other.

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Sad video

While reading through 31 years of Garfield comics I decided to look it up on Wikipedia, as I do with most things...And learned about a strip Jim Davis had done as a reference to an Italian animation called Valse Triste. Its part of a larger production using many different musical pieces to different animation styles...something like Fantasia I guess. Anyway, this is a video of the segment he was referencing...



Its probably one of the sadder things I've witnessed. In case you have no interest in watching it, its about the ghost of a cat walking through a destroyed house, reliving all the happy moments it experienced there...he begins to see it all in these grand hallucinations and its like he is actually there again...but eventually it all comes crashing down and he is brought back to the reality of the situation...and he resigns himself to this...and vanishes...seconds later a large wrecking ball moves on screen and destroys the remnants...leaving not even a memory of what went on in the life of the cat and the lives of the owners.

I dunno, that really ruined my mood...inspired my previous post thats for sure.

The Garfield strip Davis made starts October 23, 1989... You can find it here, Garfield Vault. Just enter the date in the little sidebar if its not linking directly to the proper one...

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Death, The Universe, and Everything

I don't know how to say this in a way that adequately expresses the feeling I have recently identified as being associated with death...but I will try.

Its been on my mind a lot, and one thing always crops back up...how quickly time moves. I do not mean during life, this is not some post about taking advantage of every moment...as we get so few...no...I'm saying after death I feel like time moves so quickly. It feels like a mysterious phenomenon to me...something I wish I could find the root of.

When I imagine myself dying...at some point after the drift into unconsciousness... after the warm feeling subsides... I see the lives of those around me. It starts slowly at first, moments of grief here and there...but then they move on. The visions begin jumping forward by years...each sight a realization of what life will be for these people. Faster and faster it goes...everyone I knew grows older...all the places I knew are now unrecognizable...homes dilapidated or destroyed...small towns become cities. And then one by one, people begin to go away. After awhile there is no one left I know...and no places I recognize. Everything and everyone that was once a part of me, and that I was once a part of...is gone...not even a memory is left...its just lost forever.

Time stops there.

This depresses me greatly. The idea that all of my struggles, my triumphs, my fears, my loves...none of it truly matters. Everything that these memories and emotions cling to will be gone within two generations, including any memory of us. Our entire existence will be summed up in a name and a date on a family tree for some kids 7th grade project.

I don't much see the point in making good memories, in forming lasting relationships, in improving oneself...if in the long run it doesn't matter.

That's about it...

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